I've got a problem. I like to think. And it's torture.
I am tortured. I know it's all dramatic sounding; and I know my torture has nothing to do with physical, nasty, prisoner-of-war-like torture. But I'm tortured nonetheless. And sometimes I'm so tired I just want to give up, to give in... accept what is told to me, given to me, spoon-fed to me by my peers, my leaders, the media, and just stop thinking. I just want to do something that doesn't require me to ponder; something mindless.
Here's the sad deal - I love to learn. I love to think. I love to figure things out... not math problem figure stuff out... but, why-do-people-go-to-war kind of figure stuff out. Which means I'm always reading, always listening, always learning. And I am constantly rolling things around in my head. And once I get something nailed down, once I know something for sure... something pries itself up and begins flapping around. Which begins the thinking, listening, learning and reading again. Torture.
Often my head is hurting. Maybe it's the caffeine, but I think it's the thinking.
I'm amazed at folks who know things for sure. I simultaneously admire and pity them. Because I've read a lot; I've thought a lot; I've learned a lot. And the one thing I know for sure is this: I know nothing. I'm a child when it comes to knowledge. So I'm always amazed when someone can say something for certain. I wonder, do they know something I don't, are they more confident than I am, or are they just idiots? Curious. They don't seem tortured.
Regardless of all that, I just keep learning. I just keep reading. I just keep thinking. I just keep talking. Perhaps one day I'll figure it all out. Perhaps one day they'll digitize all that information, put a jack in my head, and download it all. Then I can sit back, turn on the digital library that is my head, and think my way into Nirvana.
But until then, I look at the shelves in the bookstore and there's an uncomfortable tickling in my head. It begins as a pleasant enough sensation - a light question. But it turns into heavy thought... sheer torture.
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2 comments:
I want to thank you for being tortured, not because torture is good, but because it led you to teach me. If it weren't for you I would still be accepting those spoon fed thoughts. I've always loved learning and thinking, but I stuck to facts, things that were proven. Without your class I would still be stuck in that place, thank you. Thank you for helping me to torture. It is painful, but someday I WILL think myself into Nirvana, so will you. Thank you for my questions. Thank you for my thought. Thank you for my independence. Thank you for my, well some of my, opinion. I talk a lot, and now I can talk about things I've learned about myself. Thank you.
Amanda Holliman
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